Living with partner that is bipolar!

I'm only 30 female. We have two children 3 and 10. My partner 46 male suddenly had a episode where something went terrible wrong. He is no long who he used to be. Started acting crazy as if he's dying or something is wrong with him. He used to be so normal so in control so bossy as a man of the house. I felt like he was the rock that helped to hold us all together I could rely on him and felt safe with him. When something about life was to hard for me I could always look to him to fix it or make it better at least.

A year ago he started talking crazy. That he could feel that something was wrong with himself, that his body was different. He claims he didn't sleep for 30 days. He claims he had tremors, and that his body would be burning hot and that he would put himself in ice water to try to cool himself. He claims that it he was hallucinating, and seeing things, That it felt like his brain was spinning in his head. That he is disassociated from reality his family and that everything looks different and nothing seems right.

We admitted him into the hospital. They pumped him up with medication that helped but he is still suicidal (yet has never attempted). Talks to me about ways to do it and asks me if I will do it. Asks me if I would purchase a gun for him. Says I don't need him here that I can take care of the kids and everything on my own.

I don't understand...It hurts that he would ask these thing and I feel like he is being so selfish to want to leave us. One minute he was here and then the next this is who he is. Its hard and scary. I don't know what I want in  life anymore...If I want to be apart of this, if I wasn't my kids to see this behavior and do I want them to be influence by this behavior. I don't know what is real or not real with his psychosis but I know that a lot of the symptoms he had I didn't see. But I was really busy in school and didn't have time to deal with him, I was cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids, going to college, clinical, buying and selling puppies to pay our bills, I was just consumed with the responsibilities. He would wake me up in the middle of the night complaining about his symptoms and all I wanted to do was sleep. I had to leave at 5:30am. I don't know if he slept in all morning that's why he couldn't sleep.

A big part of me feels like its all foolish crazy behavior. Part of me feels horrible if its all real to him. I used the word claim a lot because I never seen this behavior its more like him just telling me what's going on with I'm rather than him displaying this behavior and me noticing wow somethings wrong with him.

This is the person that was strong, handsome, worked hard to take care of the family. Loved his woman and his kids. The man of the house. This man I so dearly miss. Now I have a broken man. A man that wont-cant work. I man that has to drive or since of direction. Almost like a bump on a log, a Debbie downer. His appearance has changed overweight, showers every other day. No sex drive. He does play with our kids and always wants to go and do something. Says he gets more depressed when sitting at home all day. But I'm tight on funds and that doesn't seem to matter to him much. He has one of my credit cards that supplies his never ending stream of cash flow. He pays no bills I take care of all that other wise it wouldn't get taken care of.

I don't know what the future holds.. what is really going on here...

I just want to be with the man I used to know.

The Fights ohh my the Fights

Well again another night another fight...Maybe someone will read this and tell me what they think. I just recently quit my job. Well I pointed out because me and my boyfriend felt that it was going to be inevitable with me being pregnant and my company does give FMLA to part time people such that I was. So I would point out anyways and we have recently starting buying and reselling puppies hoping to supplement my income. Well I went ahead and pointed out after working for this company ( same company my bf works for) for 6 years. Its not like I have never worked as a matter a fact I have always held down a job and helped out financial in our house hold. I never thought that after being advised by my bf to go a head and point out that he would treat me like he does now. I have only been with out a job for a couple of weeks and will go back to work after my pregnancy. I never thought he would say what he says and call me the names he does. I thought he wanted me to quit. He calls me fat and lazy and says I need to get up and do something other than sitting on my fat ass on the couch. He said it looked like I might have cleaned the house a little about 30 minutes worth of cleaning. But in reality I did two loads of laundry, picked up so much stuff which is usually his mess and my daughters mess. They never pick up after themselves. Says I should have had something for him to take to work when we just got done eating KFC which hes loves fast food better than any home cooked meal. There has been times when I have cooked packed his food for him and he takes it to work and doesn't even eat it. I also spent over an hour with my daughter practicing her sight words for school and helping her with her home work, which I don't see him do very often if ever. If I would have known how he would have felt about me quiting my job I would have never quit. I have always been very independent, all he has to do it work and bring in income. He never really cleans the house, does my daughters homework, cook food, do the yard work, sweep, mop, or vacuum. Yet I'm the lazy one that does nothing but sit on my fat lazy ass. I told him he acts like I am supposed to treat him like king tut or something. I just don't know what to do I'm so tired of this relationship and that fact it that I probably wont do anything about it. Most my blogs will probably be me just ranting about how my life sucks and what I go through. I know its up to me to make change but it would be really hard to do so with the situation that I am in.  My original plan was to quit have my baby and by that time go back to school ( understand I have went to school pretty much the whole time I was employed and earned an associates degree ) but now i want to go to school for sonography but have to wait to get into the program which could take up to four years. But I wanted to concentrate on taking care of our daughter and this new baby on the way and then go back to school finish the sonography program and then go back to work. But that's obvious probably not going to happen, our relationship is so on the rocks I'm so tired of him.

First time here we go.

My Life overview as a child.

My quick overview of life as a child. Very simple typical living in a home with a single mother worked first shift no matter the pay just so she could be home with us and spend time with us as we grew up. Limited income every summer me and my siblings had to get a job to help pay for our school clothes. Blue berry field it was for me every summer. My mother would work all morning from 6am to 3pm and then come home and we would work in the field till 9pm and always worked on the weekends as well. It was slow hard boring money but I learned a lot and learned the value of money and how important it was. I hated the ideal of working so hard so young and not getting to enjoy my life like the rest of the spoiled brats I went to school with, but I look at this situation now as a blessing that made me the strong and independent women that I am now.

I hated school and rarely attended I usually missed a day or two a week. I'm not bragging by no means. My daughter now attends school regularly and I understand the importants of school as an adult. I never had a boyfriend all through school and finally when I was 16 I met a guy online in a yahoo chat room. I was engulfed with love for this guy. He showed me so much attention and talked to me regularly. He was awesome all I ever wanted. He was smart, witty, intelligent and like alot of the same things I did. Unfortunately this person lived so far away. Even though he was so distant we where so close. Constantly talking and sharing everything with each other. There was of course things about our relationship that did send up red flags to me. Unfortunately I was young and wanted so desperately what we had that i ignored and made excuses for everything. I finally had to face them and called him out of them. Things such as why he always called me from pay phones or only at a certain time while at work or only during certain times of the day and the fact that I could never call him only after he purchased a cell phone even then it was always at a scheduled time. So i confronted him about these things and he finally confessed and broke my heart into a million tiny pieces.

The Truth is finally revealed.

So he admits that he is actually married ( should have seen that coming) that he doesn't have one child that I was aware of but in stead has three, ohh and that hes not really 28 but rather something like 32. Well of course I broke the relationship off and my life had changed I was so engulfed with him that once he wasn't their anymore I was lost and so lonely because I had essentially secluded my life to just focus on him. So I contacted him again and it all started back up all over again. Even though I knew the truth now he told me how he did love his wife and blah blah blah but our relationship had not really changed we where still in so much love. When I was 18 after talking everyday for two years we met and our life pretty much began. I had got into the very last fight with my mother and told him to come get me. We had met just a hand full of times before this dramatic move but I didn't know or feel any fear from him. and I moved 700 miles away from my friend my family and all that I knew. Dropped out of high school and moved.

TO BE CONTINUED.....